Cooperative Kids Without Nagging!

The following is from The Mom Conference - I typed the Powerpoint slides.  More from this presenter is available at......positiveparentingsolutions.com.  I think there are some really good tools and tips included here.  Karla 

How to get kids to cooperate without yelling or nagging

The Recovering Yeller

    Nagging, reminding and yelling

    Behavioral and discipline strategies aren’t working

    Started on positive parenting journey

    Strategies to help direct their behavior

Why Kids Misbehave

    Misbehavior is a symptom

    Attention Bucket

    Power Bucket

    Decode your child’s behavior

    Get to the root cause

Power Behaviors

    Different from attention-seeking behaviors

    Sense of independence and autonomy

    Micromanaging our kids

    Kids respond negatively to being micromanaged

Giving Power Back

    Fill their power bucket

    Give them opportunities to be independent and capable

    Give them more choices

    Teach them how to complete grown-up tasks

Alternatives to Timeouts

    Spend one on one time with child -

body,soul,mind

Be totally present with your child

for 10-15 min.

Fill up the attention bucket

Alternatives to Consequences

    Kids don’t always need a consequence

    Use a When-Then vs “if you don’t get this done then we’re not going”

    Built-in consequences

    Give them the power to choose

5 R’s of Consequences - don’t overuse - use for 2 or 3 really important behaviors

            Respectful

Related

Reasonable

Revealed in Advance

Repeat Back

Team Problem Solving

    Sit down as a Team

    Identify problems

    Brainstorm Solutions

    Empower Kids

    Everybody gets to weigh in

The only thing worse than a permissive/overly strict parent is one that is a pendulum parent - back and forth between permissiveness and overly strict.  Children need more and more choices and responsibilities as they age.  Our goal is to be in the middle, consistently have a plan with limits set in place and recognizing when the powerful kids hit the buttons etc.
 

    Decide what your non-negotiables are

    Stick to the rules you’ve set
    Follow Through each time

    Be aware of manipulative behaviors

Kids in Public

    Fill the attention and power buckets before you go out - mind, body and soul time

    Have a list on a clipboard that they can be responsible for

    Set clear expectations beforehand  --- we don’t get cookies at the grocery store, if you ask and have a tantrum, we will go to the car until you’re finished.  Give as little power and attention to the tantrum, undesirable behaviors as possible.

Connecting with Kids

    Mind, Body, Soul time

    Fill the attention and power baskets in a proactive way

    Kids are more cooperative

    More responsive to correction and instruction

No More Whining!

    Consistent mind, body, soul time

    Give them attention upfront

    Are they getting enough sleep?

    Train your children - when I hear your whining voice, I’m going to walk away (not in the

               heat of it but before - calm the child down by walking away and then do the training

               when everyone is settled down)

    Use non-verbal cues - hands over my ears, role play normal voice over a whining

               voice. redo positively.  Attention and verbal feedback of the whining voice is

               negative.

    Remove the payoff for the undesirable behavior - training and roleplay, redo the appropriate choice is much more effective than a negative consequence

Difference between punishment (reprimand after the fact) and discipline (training for future correct behavior)

Times for Chores!

    Call them family contributions (reinforces that you make a difference around here)

    Use the when-then format

    Family Meetings

    Mix it up

    Emphathize, appreciate and acknowledge “I have complete faith that you can do it!  let

               me know when you’re done!”

Is Everybody Ready?

    Start with a Good Routine

    Use the When-then format

    Mind, body, soul time in the morning

    Heart connection

Do you eat with that mouth?

    Words like “stupid”, “hate” and “dumb”

    Ignore the use of these and potty words, cursing etc

    Don’t give these words any power

    Walk away or walk out of the room

    Don’t overreact

    Train them and remind them that the source will not be accessible if you are going to

     hear them - if you can watch the TV show without repeating the words then ok, if

     not then we won’t watch them

TV and Video Games

    Consider limiting video games/TV to weekends only

    Use the when-then format

    Kids are often more cooperative

    Spend more time playing outside

    Get along with siblings better

    Spend more time reading